In honor of "Save our Trees Awareness Month," I have decided to come up with many practical ways to cut down more trees. Hold on all you "I was born from a tree, and I like it" people. Let me explain. That way, when we realize how many different ways we can destroy trees...we can...umm, prevent people from doing all those malicious acts to trees! Yeah. That's right...cause...those people are bad...um people...umm, GLOBAL WARMING!!
Let's move on.
Suggestions on how You can destroy trees:
1. Arson. But hold your horses! I never "said" it. Wink wink. The late Smokey the Bear voice whispers in your ear, "Only you can prevent forest fires..."
2. Inject the rare drug "Hypogiamic Glotical" into all beavers. Beavers will then have a strange urge to make very very large dams. Odd side effect, I know, but they start to use trees instead of sticks. It's perfect.
3. Instead of going tailgating to the next football game, how about taking the guys out for a wild axe adventure of "Whoever cuts down the most trees, doesn't lose another limb" contest.
4. Give axes as gifts at parties & Christmas!
5. Join a large mob of political protesters and direct them to the nearest forest. Let them take out their anger on the trees. Any form of cutlery is fine. Forks? Yep, that'll work.
6. Recreate a John Henry versus "the machine" story. And see who wins. Try to get a crowd, it makes John Henry cut faster.
7. Tell the government that Taliban terrorists are hiding in America's forest. Bomb those puppies. Maybe use Napalm.
8. Have tons of Samurais fight in the forest. Have them miss a lot.
So, in honor of "Save of Trees Awareness Month," I hope all of you will do your part. And you should probably get looked at. If you're hearing bear voices, that's not a good thing.
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4 comments:
great post. . . but don't drag paul bunyan into the competition against the machine. It was clearly JOHN HENRY who raced the machine with a sledge hammer. The two legends are immiscible. As a part of the LPF (Legend Purity Foundation) I am asking that you issue an apology to John (Bunyan) and all his constituents. Thanks for your understanding.
Thank you blog historian for checking on that. I had my folklore mixed up. I thought Paul Bunyan went against the machine and his blue ox helped. I think I need to go do some catching up. But that's why I hired you as our historian. :)
11. Have a contest to make the "Biggest Bonfire Visible from Space."
12. Start a toothpick company with the motto "One toothpick per tree!"
13. Breed the world's largest termite colony. And then 'misplace' it.
14. Test denture strength based solely on the time it takes to gnaw through a tree.
15. Juggle chainsaws in a forest. As with the Samurais, miss a lot.
16. Build a really big shredder. Insert trees.
These are good...very good. Be careful to keep all body limbs safe for #15. Shredder idea could work. I'll call Kraft Cheese and see what we can do.
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