Deep Thoughts

sit back, relax, laugh a little.

11/25/2010

Let’s Talk Turkey

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Why it’s Thanksgiving! Turkey time. In our culture, the turkey seems to represent important values like thanksgiving, happiness, and at times…cuteness. Rightly so. Americans have fallen in love with turkeys—maybe even as much as Adam Smith & Milton Friedman (capitalism allusion that 95% of my audience missed…oh well, let me grab your attention again…ummm, Justin Bieber! Good. Welcome back).

So why all the love for turkeys? To find that out, I had to do some deep digging. So with my trusty memo pad and #2 pencil, I headed to Washington in search for answers. Thanks to some of my old ‘Nam buddies, I received a lead on where to look—The Library of Congress. After months and months of extensive searching and studying, not to mention plenty of filled memo pads, I found the answer buried in the dirtiest book of the library basement (right next to other credible sources like “Pocahontas: our Founding Mother” and “Russia: An Ally for the Ages”). You wanna know the real history that the schoolbooks never told you about? Hold on. This discovery might flip your whole view of patriotism. No, I won’t be offended if you close your browser. What comes next is only for the strong-hearted.

The Pilgrims marketed well. Gasp! I know. And you thought marketing wasn’t discovered till the 1980s (history lesson—marketing was actually introduced in the 8th Century by Pope Gregory II when he popularized the Chia Pet).

Those Puritans faced a serious problem when they came to the New World. Turkey overpopulation. Don’t believe me? Look at the history reports. Thanks to the faithful Wampanoag tribe statisticians who logged annual turkey counts, we can analyze the evidence ourselves. Look at the graph added below from one of their history journals. Wow…
Ok. So, the Pilgrims showed up around 1619. Well, notice the big jump between 1600-1620. The Pilgrims had to do something, or else they would be overrun. So, top Pilgrim marketers sat down for a long-hard brainstorming session. Ideas flew left and right: 1) provoke a war between the Indians and turkeys. 2) Ally with the turkeys and hope for lifelong peace. 3) Abandon the New World and try out Costa Rica. 4) Create a holiday and…EAT THE TURKEYS. And thus Thanksgiving was born. A little cannibalistic but what else would work?

And so the Pilgrim marketers formulated the new turkey image. Their first slogan was a hit with the other settlers: “Cute, cuddly, and great with gravy.”

With the help of Sitting Bull and Tiny Turtle, a new marketing strategy was aimed toward the Indians. Simply stated, “Eat Turkey.” And many Indians gladly did.

Now, look at the results! By 1640, the turkey population had diminished by almost 30%. Looks like those Puritans were capitalists in the making. Good for you boys. Good for you.

And so thus set the tradition of Thanksgiving: dress up like a pilgrim and eat tons of turkey. As expected, when November rolls around, we always see pretty pictures of gobbling turkeys pleading to be bought and devoured. So we do. And as we say thanks around the table, one of the kids is bound to say, “I’m thankful for the turkey.” As he should…because he’s American.

So, for this Thanksgiving. I say thank you to those ingenious Puritan marketers who saved us from an ever-threatening turkey uprising. Without their strategy for creating Thanksgiving, we might very well be speaking gobble-gobble today.

Closing Suggestion: if you have any free time, go digging around in the basement of the Library of Congress. You’ll find some interesting stuff.

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10/26/2010

Wake up to the Music!

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You can also read this article on the New America website.


Let’s be honest. Americans struggle with mornings. When I even mention the word “morning,” people go into cardiac arrest, which I can understand, because we’re still digesting that monster bacon cheeseburger from last night’s partying. The glorious snooze button becomes a savior to us, providing that extra time for delightful digestion (gurgle, gurgle).

If a foreign country wanted to conquer America, here’s a suggestion: attack at dawn carrying McDonald’s. Seriously, I don’t know what we’d do—oh wait…yeah I do, we’d probably go into cardiac arrest. Ironic.

Now, I’m not going to write about obesity, laziness, politics, or the digestion process, although all of these topics are plaguing society today. Believe me, the blogs are just steaming about the digestive tract debate.

There is a solution for all you night owls. You can enjoy your mornings. It’s simple. Wake up to the music.

Let’s walkthrough a typical American morning…

-Wakeup

-Hit Snooze

-Wakeup

-Hit Snooze…repeat 3 more times

-Finally wakeup (angry that you’re alarm clock didn’t wake you up earlier)

-Shower & get ready

-Shuffle off to work/school

-Work (more shuffling)

-Eat lunch

Exciting huh?

Why are we wasting our mornings? They make up a third of our lives (heavy research has been done to discover this). Revamp your mornings. Add music.

SCIENCE LESSON!

Pick a song you love and associate it with mornings. Mental connections help the body to respond quicker (like using word pictures when studying). So when you hear that favorite song, your body releases endorphins, which make you feel good. Crazy, I know. Feeling good in the mornings? Who would have thought? Wake up to the music.

END SCIENCE LESSON! And all-caps as well.

Can I offer a song suggestion? Try “Today is the Day” by Lincoln Brewster. If this song doesn’t get you excited about the day ahead, I don’t know what will. Lincoln shares a powerful message along with an uplifting melody (needed in the mornings). He looks forward to the new day and rejoices in how God has made it.

Simple message, powerful song.

The song asks: how can we worry? How can we fear? Today is the day He has made! Will you rejoice and be glad in it?

In no way can I adequately describe the song. Find it. Listen to it.

Change your perspective on mornings. Look at the day as a gift from God. Look at the morning as a gift from God. I will praise you O Lord for whatever this day brings!

So wake up to the music. Let it focus your mind to what God has graciously given you…another day to praise Him.

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8/23/2010

Deals Deals Deals!

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Wrote this for The New America blog. I think you'll like it...

Like any normal American, I love the feeling of finding a good deal. You know what I mean. If a sweater is normally priced at $34.95, we utter a little giggle, shake our heads at the outrageous price, and keep shopping. But in glorious contrast, once we see that magical sale sign; the situation changes completely. Suddenly, this piece of overpriced stitching instantaneously transforms into a crown jewel.

The thoughts flood in. “Where have you been my whole life? Wow, this used to be $94.95, and it’s marked off to only $34.95! That’s like 60% off! Yep, this is why I shop. This is why I’m American. I find all the deals.”

Now, in no way am I condemning this common shopping occurrence. People feed off the pleasure of making a deal. I’m no different! Please continue your spending. It helps our GDP (confused and lost? Type it in on Google – learn a little).

I’m here to offer you more deals. Forget the hassle of leaving home; these deals flow to your hands through the power of the Internet. I’ll share the top 5 Internet deal sites I know. If you have some of your own, please comment below. We all need better ways to spend our money. Right? Plus, in the long run, you’re helping the economy. And you don’t want to be a socialist, do you? Be American. Buy things.

SlickDeals.net
Provides hourly deals to all sorts of websites and stores whether it be for pet supplies, electronics, or foot cream. You can follow them on Twitter to gain instant deal access wherever you go. User name is very complicated so be careful. It’s @slickdeals.

DansDeals.com
A blog where the mysterious “Dan” uploads all the deals he finds. Great site to find airplane deals. The website is like a mini-SlickDeals.net. Provides about a deal a day. Good site. Check it out. Also, they can be found on Twitter: @dansdeals.

Woot.com
I love this site. You can hate me; I don’t care. The site sells a daily deal each day. They also have other sister sites: wine.woot.com, shirt.woot.com, and kids.woot.com…each offering their own deals. Sometimes, the site issues a WootOff. When a deal sells out, the day is not over! A new deal pops up ready for you to look at. Twitter: @woot.

DailySteals.com
Not as nice as the other websites, but it still offers good deals. Free stuff occasionally shows up.

DealDump.com
In case I missed a site that you adore, this site includes all the deal sites. Don’t worry; it’s not a dump. It’s actually quite nice and helpful. You would think they would name the site something like DealDeli or DealDirectory, but they didn’t. They chose dump. D-u-m-p. Say it slowly. DUUUMMP. What a word…

Happy Shopping! And keep raising our GDP!

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8/03/2010

Paula Dean's Biography - Secrets Revealed

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For the past week, I've sat down with the famous Food Network Channel star Paula Dean and listened to her disclose the innermost secrets of her life (a little butter can go a long way). Throughout the interview, I gained incredible insights about how Paula has become the woman of today. We cried, we laughed, we ate. Well, she ate. She ate everything. I didn't know our bodies could digest table chairs...

Anyway, I organized all the information into a moderate 562 page biography. I'm still working on the title, and I've narrowed it down to two choices...

Butter me up Scotty
or
Butter, the Other White Meat

I know. It's a toss-up. Both titles speak so much of Paula's life...

Now, I'm going to give you a sneak peek into this breakthrough biography. You get it first, right here on Deep Thoughts. This is fresh, never read before stuff. So don your reading glasses and enjoy. It's a nail-biter.

This section is taken from "Chapter 2: Addictions and Applesauce."

"In the early years of Paula's life, trials faced her at every turn. She grew up in a home of 15 brothers and sisters. The parents forgot they even had her. Plus it didn't help when she had a brother named Paul and a sister named Paulina. Paula was simply forgotten.

This lack of parental relationship fueled a desire for addiction. And the only drug Paula could turn to...was butter. Now, over the years, Paula hid the addiction well. Claiming that food just tasted better with more butter, but friends and family were suspicious. Wasn't 5 cups of butter for a morning omelet a little excessive? And why was there butter on top of the cupcakes instead of icing? What? Butter tea?

Butter was the answer! Or so thought Paula. On June 15, 1979, Paula's life was flipped upside down. She was in for a rude awakening."

The book hits Amazon.com later this year. Be on the look out! Just a little snippet of what you'll expect from the biography. Hope you enjoyed it. There's so much to Paula Dean than you ever thought possible!

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7/25/2010

Let's Dissect a Brat

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I saw someone eating a Bratwurst the other day. It was intriguing. How can a law-abiding citizen degrade himself that low to partake of such a monstrosity? I can still see those grotesque images. The guy bit down hard. The sausage skin broke with sort of suction sound. Potent juices streamed down his face. He continued to slowly chomp his life away.

Ahh, the Bratwurst. A German delicacy. But yet, no one knows the contents beneath the slippery skin. The recipe is highly confidential. It’s as confidential as the Krabby Patty recipe. Yeah…that secretive. But, alas, I am here, your Bratwurst Braveheart, to proclaim the highly sought after frankfurter recipe.

You better thank me. I had to sneak this coveted research funding into Obama’s Stimulus Bill. Luckily, I got approved for a 2.7 billion dollar grant for my Bratwurst study. There’s no way you can argue that it's a “pork” bill. Bahahahaaaa…that made me laugh.

Anywho, let’s get to the research findings.

The 16 ingredients identified in a common Bratwurst:

1. Meat (still not sure what kind though)

2. Cotton

3. Starbucks Via

4. Skittles

5. Creamed Corn

6. A Baby Shark

7. Rubber

8. Iphone 4

9. Captain Crunch

10. Vuvuleas (they’re everywhere!)

11. Part of Tyson’s ear (in every sausage, crazy, I know!)

12. Tiger Gatorade (no one else would buy it, except the Brat companies)

13. A Whole Quarter

14. Meerkat

15. The Common Cold Virus

16. Licorice Jelly Beans (again, no one eats them)


So now, the next time you bite into a delectable Bratwurst, appreciate the time and effort that took in collecting all those ingredients and stuffing them into such a small tube of space. Cheerio Chaps!

Oops, I didn’t mean that “Cheerio Chaps” to sound like a British goodbye. Those are actually two more ingredients I forgot to tell you about! So, that brings our total to 18 ingredients. 18 wonderful ingredients for you to enjoy all in one bite. What other food can claim that? Happy eating!

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7/21/2010

New Post at "This is The New America"

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Check on the blog "The New America."


I just wrote an article for it called..."Admit it, You Love the Twilight Movies..." While you're there, read some other stuff, get hooked, and follow them on Twitter. It's cool to see how far the blog has come. They keep adding stuff everyday!

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7/10/2010

Say Goodbye to Sunburn

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In light of the rising temperatures this summer, Deep Thoughts would like to offer a few home remedies to cure your painful sunburn. Our medical facilities located in Santa Ana, California have tested many rubs, ointments, utensils, and latex-oriented products to discover the best relief to a pesky burn. We have separated each "relief" into two columns: "Worth a Try" and "I Sure Wouldn't."


So first, let's look at the "I Sure Wouldn't" Column.

---I Sure Wouldn't---
1. Sea Urchin Acupuncture: although recently considered a "fad," I sure wouldn't...
2. Cheese: very deceptive
3. Generally any form of acid
4. Velcro
5. Banana Boat's Aloe with a Hint of Hot Sauce (Walmart-$8.69): upon testing, participant went into cardiac arrest. So...I sure wouldn't.

---Worth a Try---
1. Silk
2. The New Iphone 4: it can do anything!
3. Butter
4. Peanut Butter
5. Raw Bacon...if it cooks, that's a plus!
6. Godiva Milk Chocolate
7. Ice Cream, Hot Fudge, and Banana, hold the peanuts

You may have noticed a majority of the "Worth a Try" column being food items. So, if the remedy doesn't seem to be relieving any sunburn pain, look on the bright side. You are currently covered in a delicious decadence.

Good luck faithful readers! Hope your sunburn can be cured quickly and harmlessly. I gotta go. My bacon is looking good and crispy.

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6/19/2010

Fashion Update!

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Deep Thoughts is releasing a fashion alert! Attention Attention! FASHION ALERT! Thanks to my weekly subscription to Runway Magazine, I hear of all the new fashion alerts waaay before they hit the Gucci & Christian Dior storefronts. Remember the sequin barbed wire look? Remember pleated jeans? I prepped you in early March, and--Boom--the fad hit later that month. You can trust Deep Thoughts for all your fashion news and updates.

So all you fashion fanatics out there who have been checking the blog daily to see what the new fad might be...I am here to end the wait. Your fashion leader speaks. The moment you've been waiting for...the new fashion for the month of July. Camouflage! Shocking, isn't? For July, you'll be stylin if you flaunt a little green at the beach. Be proud of wearing long sleeves. Because you are fashionable. You are fresh. Funky fresh.

Some of Hollywood's hots were seen sporting the new camo pattern. Of course, they were completely hidden due to the fabulous fabric, so I can't identify who they were...just the curse of being in style.

I've got my camo cardigan on right now. Cost me 225.95. Not bad. Where's your camo?

Chic out.

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6/11/2010

I'm now a Recycle Fanatic

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In honor of NBC, I'm going green. I have completely lost my mind, and I value the earth above all else. So step aside all you greed-loving-tree-killing-capitalists, because here I come, ReCycLe is here. Notice I put some capital letters in my superhero name. This effect should cause intense emotion for mindless Americans to follow me on my journey to take down Democracy and save little animals and spruces.

Here are my plans for making the world greener:

1. All major motor companies should accept my design concept for the new methane-gas-powered car. Think about it. The Toyota Toot. There's one good thing Americans can make: methane. There are advantages to being overweight. Good work America.
2. Spray paint brown lawns. That'll make the world a little greener.
3. Since my name is ReCycLe, I like to recycle. Anyone who refuses to recycle will face capital punishment. Simple as that. Hey, you may think that's harsh, but sometimes green needs to see some red. Plus, I believe in reincarnation (or as I put it...recycling). You don't recycle? How about life as a pig? How are those hooves treating ya?!?! I got thumbs. ReCycLe strikes again!
4. Require all children to be hypnotized into thinking that "being green" is normal. We've got to reach the next generation. Offer lollipops if they refuse.
5. If none of the above tactics work, we must pull out plan G. Need I say what G stands for? Out of our green headquarters in the NBC Studio, we start emitting our propaganda. And just like a mirrored WWII Germany, we turn NBC into Hitler's lair. Take that Capitalists! Green shall rule the world. And we shall have blonde hair, blue eyes, and green lawns.

So pick up your pitchforks and grab the torches. I'm feeling a revolt coming on! A revolt for a greener tomorrow. ReCycle out!

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6/02/2010

My Solution to BP's Problem

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Now hear me out. I wanna talk about BP's oil problem. Don't you dare press that X on your internet browser. I've tried to help! I have relentlessly called to BP's solution hotline. I have written letters; I have sent my own personal homing pigeons. But to no avail. In return, I have been shunned, mocked, and most recently my house egged. Thanks all to BP. Maybe you should start focusing on that spill rather than ruining my life! OH SLAM! (Audience claps softly, a chuckle emerges)

So, let me gather my faithful revolutionaries as we take down BP. I'm talking about you. WE NEED YOU! With your help, we can drive BP's stock price even lower! YAY! Are you with me? Let's make BP the new Enron. Or should I say the new Lyntech. Never heard of them? My point exactly. Utter extinction.

So here's my plan. First, we sabotage their solution hotline. Create a Facebook fan group "BP Hates Nature" and have members call in with hate messages. Maybe send in really bad ideas like Top Kill or something. Or, I know! Throw golf balls down the tube to plug it! You know, dumb ideas like that.

I kid you not...http://www.slate.com/id/2254211

Next, let's egg BP's house. Sweet revenge, I know. I have some leftover eggs from BP's last attack. So, let's blast that mansion. Aim for windows. Aim for executives' kids.

Yes, BP has a house. Just trust me on this one.

Last, we gotta seal the deal. Leave BP with nothing. After BP continues to fail at solving the oil spill, we gather a large pool of money. At least a billion. Maybe more. With that Facebook group, it'll be easy! We wait a year. Then, BP's stock price will be within penny range! Then like fast-moving cats that resemble graceful cheetahs, we buy. And buy. And buy. 51% of shares to be exact. We will then control all of BP operations. It's foolproof, almost predestined (whoops, there goes my Arminian audience).

Of course by now, the oil spill still won't be solved. So, we enact the plan BP had been looking for so long. Our secret plan! The one just delivered by armored vehicles. Here it is!! Simply...flip...the..."off switch."

My goodness! I mean. It's right there next to the "call for executive jet switch!" I can see how you'd get distracted. BP meet GM. DOUBLE SLAM! (Audience emits an utter chatter, an old man leaves for the bathroom)

Now...the last step and final blow: change the name to AP. American Petroleum. Booyah! Ethnocentrism to the max!

Good work everybody! So, who's gonna start that Facebook group. Can I be an officer?

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5/23/2010

How You Define Yourself...Font-wise

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Did you know that the typeface you choose defines your personality? I have just finished an 8 month quantitative study of typefaces and the parallelism with certain personalities. I am sooooo glad it didn't take 9 months. I promised to never take on a 9 month research project. Too risky.

Anywho, find your favorite most-used font and with the power of **magic** you can learn your personality type (the ** are used to indicate magic dust...think sparklers). Ok, it's not technically magic, the personality types are based on my well-documented research. Because...there's no such thing as magic, silly. Well, there might be. But that's a 9 month research project, and I'm not getting anywhere close to that. Gotta stick to my values.

So, look for your favorite font below and see how it perfectly matches your personality. As a side note, there are no exceptions. If you use a certain font, the corresponding personality defines you exactly.

Times New Roman (TMR): Ahh yes, this standard font makes up 65% of Americans. You have no idea about technology or design. You like to wear bland colors...which actually do bring attention to yourself but you don't think they do. You've been called "the guy at the party nobody knew and how'd he get invited." Steve Jobs is your mortal enemy. If you has to choose between a vacation or holiday, you would get mad and argue that they are the same thing. You are Caucasian. You get caught up in fads...you still own a pet rock, Furby, and/or Pokemon cards.

Typewriter: You have a love for the classics. Although you out of sync with the current culture, you view yourself as an unmoving traditionalist. Shockingly, you actually use a typewriter. As soon as you heard the typewriter font came on the computer, you converted immediately. You don't email. You print off paper and send it through the mail. Remember, you are a traditionalist. Stand strong.

Comic Sans: I know you aren't supposed to be bias in reporting data, but I must interject here. I hate the use of Comic Sans. If you choose to use this font, you parallel a 6-year-old child randomly scrolling through fonts. There is absolutely no reason why anyone should choose this typeface. Whew. Sorry about that. Let's get back to the research...Comic Sans reveals deep depression. You seek (or should seek) mental help daily. Comic Sans users live life lonely.

Papyrus: You have no creativity whatsoever. You love mooching off of other people. You love Egyptians and cats. Moses was your favorite Bible Character. You have pictures of local businesses and fundraisers in your room that used the Papyrus font AGAIN. Comic Sans matches well for you.

Baskerville: You are as fine as fine wine. Aged but sophisticated. The Rat Pack are your homeboys. You don't mind going out in public "dressed up." You play cricket, cribbage, and checkers. You occasionally pull out the cane to mix things up a little bit.

Arial: You are a "Times New Roman" in disguise. Although you want to look hip with the sans serif, you can't. You are still a common middle-class American. 25% of population falls here. Think parents talking hip with their kids (wow, I just used the word hip).

Wingdings: You are currently on drugs. Please get help.

These findings are only a small clipping of the research that I've done. If you would like to receive the other 127 font-personality parallelisms. Please shoot me an email. I'd be glad to help you discover more of who you are.

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5/16/2010

A Wise Investment

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Fear no more. The blog lives again. The organs begin to churn, and the beast yawns as it wakes from it's semester-long hibernation. Many of you pulled out your voodoo dolls to torture me while you awaited another informative blog update. You waited. And waited. Eyes glued to the computer screen. But nothing. Just silence. So thus in frustration, you jammed a pin into the doll's abdomen. Actually, I was about to update the blog, but then, mysteriously, my body was impaled by a giant pole...


So, all of you who have gone and given up all hope on me. Come back. Read again. Be enlightened. Let's begin.

I've got an idea! Let's start a restaurant together. You want to? First of all, I'm gonna need some capital (or money for all you 2.00 GPAs and under). Sure, I could spend my own money and make mega bucks. Buuuuut, I'm not feeling like I want to risk losing it. So, how about you give me your money. I swear I'll do better than Burger King. Who couldn't? (Insert Cheap Audience Laughter)

First, we're gonna have to decide on what kind of food we'll serve. Now, all the kids are really into these contemporary eateries. You know what I'm talking about. Places called "Yellow" and "Studio 11" and even "The Electric Pinstripe." You walk in, and the decor looks like Anti-Grandma's House? Yeah...Again, we need to appeal to what the demand is asking for. So Hitleresque/Marxist is what we're shooting for. Not literally.

We'll serve calamari, caviar, and gnocchi because these are exquisite hard-to-say menu items. And people like to eat goo in order to be considered sophisticated. Steak is sooo old news. Consistency? Psshh, give me liquid meat, that sells. I'm all about using your money best. So order the roe already!

Please send all money to this account, err, I mean address:

Muhammad Algezeera
PO Box #41219
Skikda, Algeria A8103

I look forward to working with all of you! Happy investing. Especially with this restaurant!

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1/07/2010

UNTAMED & RESTLESS: Chapter 6

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The moment you all have been waiting for. I give to you Chapter 6 of Untamed & Restless! I know it's been a long time since the last chapter was released. The wait was well worth it! So, if you're lost and have no idea what Untamed & Restless is. Catch up on the previous chapters...

Many people ask what genre Untamed & Restless is. Simply, it's a comedic, action-packed, dramatic novel that will keep you on the edge of your seats. Still hesitant to read? Just try chapter 1, if you're not happy with the reading, I don't know what I'll do.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

Chapter 4



Untamed & Restless
Chapter 6

Grandfather began to share his story. He was a bit perturbed. Maybe because of his ulna jotting out of his arm or maybe because their was no place-set ready for him. Who knows. Whatever the case, he stared angrily at his son, Mr. McConnell.

He opened his mouth, "Boys, let me tell you the truth about what happened many many years ago." He approached his son and laid his hand on his son's shoulder. Blood spilled all over the neatly pressed white shirt. Mr. McConnell just held his breath.

Grandfather continued, "You see my boys, I was framed. Caught with my hand in the cookie jar. In the wrong place at the wrong time. Innocent as all get out. I don't know how else to put it; my whole life was ruined because of one mishap. It all started over 35 years ago...

*Insert blurring transition to indicate going back in time*

Granfather got a little dizzy from the blurring. He swayed so he took a Vicodin. He popped in another just for good luck. Gotta be sure! Well, the boys had already fallen asleep. Grandfather grunted, "like I was saying, it all happened a long time ago."

*Insert quicker blurring transition so audience doesn't get motion sickness.

"I was about 34 years old, about the age of you Blake, but way more successful and handsome. I was a man." Blake grimaced. Remember, he was still a boy. Every jab at his masculinity cut skin deep.

"I was a clerk at the local five and dime store selling Dreidel's to whomever would buy. It was hard business. But I'd made ends meet. Your grandmother..."

And on and on the story went for about 3 hours. Blake and Benjie had fallen asleep by now, and Mr. McConnell was fighting sleep with every weapon in his arsenal. The mace, the archer's bow, and even the Bec de Corbin were struggling to fight off the eyelids. It was quite a battle! While this tragic war was taking place, one of Mr. McConnell's eyes caught sight of a family photo. Good times he thought. But interestingly within the photo was Grandfather. Something was different. The grandfather in the picture looked entirely different than the jabbering one standing in front of them.

Mr. McConnell held up his hand for the man to stop. "And after making it all the way from the parade and seeing President Truman without his toupee, I...," the man stopped mid-sentence. "Yes?" he asked.

Mr. McConnell calmly questioned, "How do you spell your last name?"

"Well, how everyone in our family does silly, M-c-p-C-o-n-n-e-l-l. The p is silent! Everyone knows that!" Grandfather McpConnell informed.

Mr. McConnell continued, "Ahh, I see. Well, there's been a terrible mistake. You see your with the wrong Jewish family. Our last name is spell M-c-C-o-n-n-e-l-l. Also, I think this is a good time for me to apologize for breaking your ulna in half."

The man chuckled, "Ho ho ho, don't apologize! I'm the one at fault! Ho ha haa, I thought that you were...oh my. This is going to be quite a story. Huh? I don't even know you people. Oh, well I better get going huh? Don't want to intrude!"

Father McConnell shook his head and asked, "Could I get like a towel or something for your arm? I mean your clothes are soaked with blood."

The man responded, "Oh no, no need to. I just need to...umm...need to find my family. Where am I. Hmm. Well, I better get on that. I'll just see myself out?"

"Please do."

The door opened and slammed. And with that Blake and Benjie woke up. Benjie exclaimed, "What was that?"

"Nothing son, eat your dinner," said Father. Mr. McConnell sat in the cushioned dining room chair. His eyes landed on his TV dinner. He sighed heavily. A cold dead lamb stared straight back at him.

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1/02/2010

5 Things Bugging Me Right Now

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I’m writing this post because maybe you share the same annoyances with me. We all need to vent. Sure, it’s a short writing. But hey, I need to get these things off my chest. I suggest you do the same. Get that issue out the open. You don’t like cucumbers? Tell us why.

Here’s my list:


1. Giant Radio Antennas on Sedans

  • (please explain the need for a Sears-Tower-like Antenna projecting from your roof?)

2. John Madden

  • (I’m not inherently bothered by him, but by how the media just threw him into the gutter. Where has his face been these past 9 months? He’s a founding father for crying out loud!)

3. Perms

  • (Give me one benefit, just one…)

4. Duct Tape Windows on Clunkers

  • (Also, if you could, please smoke excessively with the windows rolled up. It just adds value to the car. Thanks so much.)

5. Pretzels & Onions

  • (Actually 3 countries have already declared war on these formidable foes, we're gonna need more help.)

Whew, I feel a whole lot better! I think I’m gonna go run for president. See what happens when you get everything off your chest? It’s amazing!


Would you put your shirt back on? Sheesh…

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