Deep Thoughts

I think the fountain pen is the next best thing to ever be invented. I will even argue that the writing instrument will be "hip" in the next 5 years. For the younger generation reading, hip is a word older people used to use to describe interesting products. The word has now been retired to history books along with bicycles and nutcrackers.

Anyway, junior highers all the way up to the highly paid executives will be sporting a new 150.00-5,200.00 pen. The Junior Highers will take out high-interest loans and grow up to be in-debt sweaty car salesman. And the executives will write the pens off as business expenses and continue to make millions. That's how society works.

Interestingly, the pen might equal the once favored palm pilot fascination. You remember those...not the iphone, not the ipod touch. I'm talking old school. The 3 inch-thick handheld cinder block we used to carry around. Yeah, the one that got the one hour battery life and then explodes. And we were suckers to fall for another poorly made American product. Palm, GM, what next? Not Microsoft....

Side note: you may argue that I pick on GM. I agree. I do. Ok, I addressed the issue. Let's move on from that topic forever.

GM can't build a reliable car for it's life. Ok. Forget that, I just said that to make you mad. We are talking about pens people! Pens! Highly priced pens that have no reason to be owned.

I saw in my favorite pen magazine called "Pen Magazine" that pen designers are releasing new pens that actually hold mini grappling hooks. Great. Now CEO's can make quick escapes from their offices when we try to catch them for committing fraud. While reading "Pen Magazine," I think I may have coveted. Yes, I know, it's a sin in 3 countries. I just saw a pen that could make McDonald's soft-serve ice cream. Amazing! You mean I can work on homework and ruin my cholesterol at the same time? Ah, America.

Literally, the pen will become the new pencil...people will flock. Pen's will be sold out everywhere you look. Willy Wonka will no longer use tickets, but Mont Blanc pens to invite children into his factory...

The moment you have all been waiting for!! The second chapter to my first novel Untamed & Restless. If this is your first time hearing about the novel, go back to the previous post of chapter 1 and catch up. I'm telling you, don't miss it! Get a comfortable place and enjoy. The drama and suspense is killing the readers and even me the writer...I make it up as I go. And plus, the chapters aren't long at all. So, here it is for your enjoyment...

Untamed & Restless
Chapter 2

"Blake’s eyes skimmed the audience. There sat his 3^rd grade teacher. She said he’d never become a man. Oh! And there was the local pharmacist smirking at him. And in the back row sat Judge Berman, Blake’s archrival ever since high school. Judge Berman got all the girls, convicted and innocent, literally, because he was a judge. He got all the girls.

All his enemies sat in one room rooting for him to fail. But unbeknownst to Blake, his biggest enemy was sitting right under his nose on the front row. Benjie’s smile was so big, it would have been awkward to look at him. He was not showing any teeth, so you know it was one of those weird smiles. He had been holding the smile for about 10 minutes straight. A record in Wisconsin, but the family lived in Delaware.

Blake opened his mouth to speak from the Torah. The words flowed eloquently from his lips. He danced with verbs and cradled nouns. No preposition could stand in opposition. An English teacher would have married him that second if he wasn’t still a boy.

Blake had been looking down during the entire reading. He glanced upwards. Faces of shock, awe, and disgust looked back. He ended the chapter with a final Amen and peered toward his father for approval. His father had his hand on his forehead and was looking down. Mother McConnell was crying. Benjie was wearing a golden crown. Where did he get that?

Benjie thought to himself. He had won. His brother was an utter failure. This crown represented his victory over his brother this Sunday morn. He stood and started the “slow clap.” The clapping echoed throughout the crowded synagogue. No one joined in. So Benjie stopped after about the sixth clap and sat back down. He was satisfied. Many people agreed this had been the oddest Bar Mitzvah.

Apparently before the whole Bar Mitzvah had taken place, Benjie rewrote the whole Torah. Since Hebrew was Benjie’s forte, he matched the Torah’s flavor of writing precisely. Blake had obliviously read about prancing unicorns, the color purple, rainbows, and everything feminine. He even had a lisp out of nowhere. Everything would have been fine since it was in Hebrew, but this year Rabbi McConnell decided to have the translated words put up on screen so the audience could enjoy the reading as well.

As the crowd exited the building, Mr. McConnell came up to Blake. He put his hand on his son’s shoulder. But no words came out. He just continued to look down. Recently, the dad received neck surgery. He couldn’t lift his head any higher to look you in the face. It was sad, because he always look dismayed. Even when he won the lottery back in April, he hung his head.

Dad just patted Blake’s shoulder and headed to the car. Mom McConnell didn’t even make eye contact; she just kept crying. As with Mr. McConnell, Jean McConnell had gotten surgery performed as well. To save both eyes, the doctor’s removed the muscle to control her tear ducts. Now, Jean would cry at the most improper times. While entered in the “How long can you go without crying” contest, Jean lost within the first minute.

Both parents weren’t sad at all. Remember, they had been going to Bar Mitzvahs for the past 33 years. The McConnell's were used to Blake’s failings. They just had physical deformities. They wanted to get home quickly so they could catch the tail end of “The Matzo Ball.” The annual Jewish dance show rivaled to compete with “So You Think You Can Dance.” They just danced to Jewish sounding music.

Everyone piled in the car. As the Lincoln cruised at a comfortable 65 mph, Benjie’s evil smile returned. He wasn’t finished with Blake. This first act was just the icing on the cake; and the cake was a wedding cake with layers, so you know there was more to come. Phase two of Benjie’s plan went into place as soon as they stepped foot in the McConnell home. Benjie was acting UNTAMED AND RESTLESS, and only he knew why."

In honor of "Save our Trees Awareness Month," I have decided to come up with many practical ways to cut down more trees. Hold on all you "I was born from a tree, and I like it" people. Let me explain. That way, when we realize how many different ways we can destroy trees...we can...umm, prevent people from doing all those malicious acts to trees! Yeah. That's right...cause...those people are bad...um people...umm, GLOBAL WARMING!!

Let's move on.

Suggestions on how You can destroy trees:
1. Arson. But hold your horses! I never "said" it. Wink wink. The late Smokey the Bear voice whispers in your ear, "Only you can prevent forest fires..."
2. Inject the rare drug "Hypogiamic Glotical" into all beavers. Beavers will then have a strange urge to make very very large dams. Odd side effect, I know, but they start to use trees instead of sticks. It's perfect.
3. Instead of going tailgating to the next football game, how about taking the guys out for a wild axe adventure of "Whoever cuts down the most trees, doesn't lose another limb" contest.
4. Give axes as gifts at parties & Christmas!
5. Join a large mob of political protesters and direct them to the nearest forest. Let them take out their anger on the trees. Any form of cutlery is fine. Forks? Yep, that'll work.
6. Recreate a John Henry versus "the machine" story. And see who wins. Try to get a crowd, it makes John Henry cut faster.
7. Tell the government that Taliban terrorists are hiding in America's forest. Bomb those puppies. Maybe use Napalm.
8. Have tons of Samurais fight in the forest. Have them miss a lot.

So, in honor of "Save of Trees Awareness Month," I hope all of you will do your part. And you should probably get looked at. If you're hearing bear voices, that's not a good thing.

After reading all my fan mail, I have seen a reoccurring theme. “Write a Novel! Write a Novel! Please I need more time to waste!” I hear your pleas, and I couldn’t agree more. The time has come to do what all men dream of. Write an overly thought-out book that no one will buy. So, over the upcoming months, I will publish a chapter a week from my thrilling novel. As of right now, I have no idea what genre the book will fall into. It could be horror. It could be comedy. It could be women’s fitness. Who knows? But hears the first chapter…

Untamed & Restless

Chapter One

The morning sun grazed the top of the horizon, gently kissing the edge before plopping itself in the sky. The sky said good morning, and the sun nodded back. This morning felt fresh. So fresh, it seemed odd.

Blake stepped onto his stoop and gave a long stretch. He had been awaiting this day since his birth. Bar Mitzvah! Blake was to become a man. For the past 22 years, Blake had failed his Bar Mitzvah test. He could read Spanish, Latin, German, and Hindi. But Hebrew was his burden to bear. For two decades, Blake had remained a boy. A hairy boy, but a boy nonetheless. Now at 34, overweight, and balding, Blake was excited to become a man, a man that had a life, a man with no parents in the next room.

His father, the synagogue Rabbi, sat at the dining room table reading his Torah. Sadly, his father had Tourettes. Every time a “twitch” came, he jolted his arm. Coffee spilled everywhere. This scene happened every morning. Then, Mrs. McConnell would wipe the priest’s shirt off and chuckle. Oh how she loved that man. She married him for his religion, nothing else. She was very Jewish, so the marriage was sweet for both.

There was a failure in the family though. His name started with a B and ended with E. Yep, the other son Benjie. What? No. Not Blake. Blake was bad. Overweight and bald. But not as bad as Benjie. Benjie was UNTAMED & RESTLESS. Insert overused dramatic music.

The family jumped in the car for the long ride to the synagogue. Dad pressed play on the CD player. Gentle piano music played in the background as the family zoomed down the highway. The family car was acquired through a business deal done by the father. He had traded his Star of David diamond necklace passed down through generations to the sweaty car salesman. It was quite a controversy within the Jewish community, but it seems the McConnell clan was on top.

The car turned into the synagogue parking lot. The place was packed. This day was Blake’s big moment. He was to become a man at age 34. And no one was going to get in his way. Or were they? Benjie wore an evil grin upon his face. He had been a man for 10 years now and proud of it. He was UNTAMED & RESTLESS. The family scooted into the pew. Blake took center stage. He opened his Torah. Benjie’s smile slowly started to grow.

Some may wonder what goes on in my head. Many accuse my blog posts of being random or even aimless. I know. It's not you. It's those other people. The ones that smoke a lot and buy lift chairs. The ones that support all the companies on My Top 10 Companies to Boycott.

So here's a list of 25 things that are flying through my mind. These ideas are where YOUR blog posts are made. The deep, cavernous brain of yours truly...

1. Flying Geese
2. Kitchen Appliances (Inherently Evil?)
3. Hopskotch for Guys
4. Healthy Hotdogs
5. What if Lilypads could hold people?
6. Things I would say to the President of Mexico
7. Perfumes that sting when you put them on
8. Harry Potter at age 45
9. Elephants the size of mice, and mice the size of elephants (would the elephant still be afraid, would the mouse now be?)
10. If women were onions, men would be...
11. Killer bees Diplomacy
12. Sleeping (this would be nice, right now)
13. Shutting down Facebook forever
14. Putting Facebook back on the web after shutting it down forever
15. Having a worldwide seminar teaching everyone the benefits of golf
16. Illogical Schematics
17. Tina Turner Bloopers
18. Dreams of Six Flags providing good service
19. Bundt Cake
20. 3 Stooges hitting one another, me laughing
21. Bach with an Afro
22. Mozart with an Afro
23. A black man with an Afro...oh wait
24. Young Whales
25. The number pi

Boycotting is such a beautiful right. It's just so nice when we can refuse good hard American work just because the item costs 10 cents too much. Or just because the product broke after we dropped it from a 20-story building. Instantly, we must sue, boycott, and set aflame all of the company products. This is our duty as Americans. Technically, the board of directors wants this to happen. So hey, I will burn down the Chrysler building if I see crummy cars.

--NEWS FLASH--The Chrysler Building has burned down. There are no suspects. Kia is using the rubble to make cars.

So, on to the list of companies I am going to boycott. I suggest that you, as a faithful American, do the same.

#1: Geico-As much as I love the theme music for their commercials, I inspected their financial statements. Seems as if 3 billion dollars has been going straight to terrorist organizations for the past 5 years. My answer to that? Boycott. Try to sell that to a terrorist, Geico.

#2: Williams-Sonoma-I bought a soup ladle from them about 2 years ago. It didn't hold as much soup as I wanted it to. STAMP BOYCOTT.

#3: La-Z-Boy-New production is being made for the release of a dog-hide leather couch. Every time you shift position, it barks, or yelps depending on position. La-Z-Boy claims they're controlling the pet population. Recycle to the max. Recycle this...Boycott.

#4: Dippin Dots-They are just too innovative. Obesity is getting so bad, you no longer have to chew your ice cream. Chewing was the only exercise the fat folk could do! Thanks alot Dippin Dots for keeping America fat...ugh.

#5: Sherwin-Williams-Recently, the company came out with a paint named, "Rainbow." I have to paint my house, that's bad enough. Now I have a paint that changes color in different lighting. One minute I have a decadent chocolate coat, the next pee-green...Is that even a color??

#6: United Airlines-Ho hum. We should boycott all the airlines; I know. But United Airlines doesn't serve peanuts anymore. Just coke. Argh, what's next? No life preservers? Oh wait, costs are high, so they can only manufacture mini-vests. United Airlines and Dippin Dots are in a heated battle...

#7: Disney-Have you heard about the new movie Disney has come out with? Yes, G-Force. The one about hamsters. I'm boycotting immediately. Next, there going to be making movies about talking Chihuahuas. Oh wait...they did? NOOOO!!!

#8: Google-It's weird. Americans love Google. We've verberized the word. Verberized-to make a noun into a verb. Good work Google. But there's more to this company this just it's name. Recently google bought the country of Madagascar. I don't like companies owning countries. Boycott.

#9: Yonex-I don't like the name. Don't know what they make? Look it up on Google....Oh wait! Google strikes again! Get a yellow book. Forget google.

#10: Holiday Inn-Their cinnamon buns now contain high amounts of cholesterol. Don't tell me that! I enjoyed eating those. Well, might as well feed me Dippin Dots while I'm googling something. Holiday Inn is "inn"to keeping America fat. I'm not. Here's a boycott, guaranteed to lower your cholesterol.

Join me faithful Americans and keep my country safe from these monsters. I'm doing my part, are you? Grab a torch, let's arson together.