Deep Thoughts

Now hear me out. I wanna talk about BP's oil problem. Don't you dare press that X on your internet browser. I've tried to help! I have relentlessly called to BP's solution hotline. I have written letters; I have sent my own personal homing pigeons. But to no avail. In return, I have been shunned, mocked, and most recently my house egged. Thanks all to BP. Maybe you should start focusing on that spill rather than ruining my life! OH SLAM! (Audience claps softly, a chuckle emerges)

So, let me gather my faithful revolutionaries as we take down BP. I'm talking about you. WE NEED YOU! With your help, we can drive BP's stock price even lower! YAY! Are you with me? Let's make BP the new Enron. Or should I say the new Lyntech. Never heard of them? My point exactly. Utter extinction.

So here's my plan. First, we sabotage their solution hotline. Create a Facebook fan group "BP Hates Nature" and have members call in with hate messages. Maybe send in really bad ideas like Top Kill or something. Or, I know! Throw golf balls down the tube to plug it! You know, dumb ideas like that.

I kid you not...http://www.slate.com/id/2254211

Next, let's egg BP's house. Sweet revenge, I know. I have some leftover eggs from BP's last attack. So, let's blast that mansion. Aim for windows. Aim for executives' kids.

Yes, BP has a house. Just trust me on this one.

Last, we gotta seal the deal. Leave BP with nothing. After BP continues to fail at solving the oil spill, we gather a large pool of money. At least a billion. Maybe more. With that Facebook group, it'll be easy! We wait a year. Then, BP's stock price will be within penny range! Then like fast-moving cats that resemble graceful cheetahs, we buy. And buy. And buy. 51% of shares to be exact. We will then control all of BP operations. It's foolproof, almost predestined (whoops, there goes my Arminian audience).

Of course by now, the oil spill still won't be solved. So, we enact the plan BP had been looking for so long. Our secret plan! The one just delivered by armored vehicles. Here it is!! Simply...flip...the..."off switch."

My goodness! I mean. It's right there next to the "call for executive jet switch!" I can see how you'd get distracted. BP meet GM. DOUBLE SLAM! (Audience emits an utter chatter, an old man leaves for the bathroom)

Now...the last step and final blow: change the name to AP. American Petroleum. Booyah! Ethnocentrism to the max!

Good work everybody! So, who's gonna start that Facebook group. Can I be an officer?