Deep Thoughts

sit back, relax, laugh a little.

8/23/2010

Deals Deals Deals!

|

Wrote this for The New America blog. I think you'll like it...

Like any normal American, I love the feeling of finding a good deal. You know what I mean. If a sweater is normally priced at $34.95, we utter a little giggle, shake our heads at the outrageous price, and keep shopping. But in glorious contrast, once we see that magical sale sign; the situation changes completely. Suddenly, this piece of overpriced stitching instantaneously transforms into a crown jewel.

The thoughts flood in. “Where have you been my whole life? Wow, this used to be $94.95, and it’s marked off to only $34.95! That’s like 60% off! Yep, this is why I shop. This is why I’m American. I find all the deals.”

Now, in no way am I condemning this common shopping occurrence. People feed off the pleasure of making a deal. I’m no different! Please continue your spending. It helps our GDP (confused and lost? Type it in on Google – learn a little).

I’m here to offer you more deals. Forget the hassle of leaving home; these deals flow to your hands through the power of the Internet. I’ll share the top 5 Internet deal sites I know. If you have some of your own, please comment below. We all need better ways to spend our money. Right? Plus, in the long run, you’re helping the economy. And you don’t want to be a socialist, do you? Be American. Buy things.

SlickDeals.net
Provides hourly deals to all sorts of websites and stores whether it be for pet supplies, electronics, or foot cream. You can follow them on Twitter to gain instant deal access wherever you go. User name is very complicated so be careful. It’s @slickdeals.

DansDeals.com
A blog where the mysterious “Dan” uploads all the deals he finds. Great site to find airplane deals. The website is like a mini-SlickDeals.net. Provides about a deal a day. Good site. Check it out. Also, they can be found on Twitter: @dansdeals.

Woot.com
I love this site. You can hate me; I don’t care. The site sells a daily deal each day. They also have other sister sites: wine.woot.com, shirt.woot.com, and kids.woot.com…each offering their own deals. Sometimes, the site issues a WootOff. When a deal sells out, the day is not over! A new deal pops up ready for you to look at. Twitter: @woot.

DailySteals.com
Not as nice as the other websites, but it still offers good deals. Free stuff occasionally shows up.

DealDump.com
In case I missed a site that you adore, this site includes all the deal sites. Don’t worry; it’s not a dump. It’s actually quite nice and helpful. You would think they would name the site something like DealDeli or DealDirectory, but they didn’t. They chose dump. D-u-m-p. Say it slowly. DUUUMMP. What a word…

Happy Shopping! And keep raising our GDP!

comments (1)

8/03/2010

Paula Dean's Biography - Secrets Revealed

|

For the past week, I've sat down with the famous Food Network Channel star Paula Dean and listened to her disclose the innermost secrets of her life (a little butter can go a long way). Throughout the interview, I gained incredible insights about how Paula has become the woman of today. We cried, we laughed, we ate. Well, she ate. She ate everything. I didn't know our bodies could digest table chairs...

Anyway, I organized all the information into a moderate 562 page biography. I'm still working on the title, and I've narrowed it down to two choices...

Butter me up Scotty
or
Butter, the Other White Meat

I know. It's a toss-up. Both titles speak so much of Paula's life...

Now, I'm going to give you a sneak peek into this breakthrough biography. You get it first, right here on Deep Thoughts. This is fresh, never read before stuff. So don your reading glasses and enjoy. It's a nail-biter.

This section is taken from "Chapter 2: Addictions and Applesauce."

"In the early years of Paula's life, trials faced her at every turn. She grew up in a home of 15 brothers and sisters. The parents forgot they even had her. Plus it didn't help when she had a brother named Paul and a sister named Paulina. Paula was simply forgotten.

This lack of parental relationship fueled a desire for addiction. And the only drug Paula could turn to...was butter. Now, over the years, Paula hid the addiction well. Claiming that food just tasted better with more butter, but friends and family were suspicious. Wasn't 5 cups of butter for a morning omelet a little excessive? And why was there butter on top of the cupcakes instead of icing? What? Butter tea?

Butter was the answer! Or so thought Paula. On June 15, 1979, Paula's life was flipped upside down. She was in for a rude awakening."

The book hits Amazon.com later this year. Be on the look out! Just a little snippet of what you'll expect from the biography. Hope you enjoyed it. There's so much to Paula Dean than you ever thought possible!

comments (2)

7/25/2010

Let's Dissect a Brat

|

I saw someone eating a Bratwurst the other day. It was intriguing. How can a law-abiding citizen degrade himself that low to partake of such a monstrosity? I can still see those grotesque images. The guy bit down hard. The sausage skin broke with sort of suction sound. Potent juices streamed down his face. He continued to slowly chomp his life away.

Ahh, the Bratwurst. A German delicacy. But yet, no one knows the contents beneath the slippery skin. The recipe is highly confidential. It’s as confidential as the Krabby Patty recipe. Yeah…that secretive. But, alas, I am here, your Bratwurst Braveheart, to proclaim the highly sought after frankfurter recipe.

You better thank me. I had to sneak this coveted research funding into Obama’s Stimulus Bill. Luckily, I got approved for a 2.7 billion dollar grant for my Bratwurst study. There’s no way you can argue that it's a “pork” bill. Bahahahaaaa…that made me laugh.

Anywho, let’s get to the research findings.

The 16 ingredients identified in a common Bratwurst:

1. Meat (still not sure what kind though)

2. Cotton

3. Starbucks Via

4. Skittles

5. Creamed Corn

6. A Baby Shark

7. Rubber

8. Iphone 4

9. Captain Crunch

10. Vuvuleas (they’re everywhere!)

11. Part of Tyson’s ear (in every sausage, crazy, I know!)

12. Tiger Gatorade (no one else would buy it, except the Brat companies)

13. A Whole Quarter

14. Meerkat

15. The Common Cold Virus

16. Licorice Jelly Beans (again, no one eats them)


So now, the next time you bite into a delectable Bratwurst, appreciate the time and effort that took in collecting all those ingredients and stuffing them into such a small tube of space. Cheerio Chaps!

Oops, I didn’t mean that “Cheerio Chaps” to sound like a British goodbye. Those are actually two more ingredients I forgot to tell you about! So, that brings our total to 18 ingredients. 18 wonderful ingredients for you to enjoy all in one bite. What other food can claim that? Happy eating!

comments (1)

7/21/2010

New Post at "This is The New America"

|

Check on the blog "The New America."


I just wrote an article for it called..."Admit it, You Love the Twilight Movies..." While you're there, read some other stuff, get hooked, and follow them on Twitter. It's cool to see how far the blog has come. They keep adding stuff everyday!

comments (0)

7/10/2010

Say Goodbye to Sunburn

|

In light of the rising temperatures this summer, Deep Thoughts would like to offer a few home remedies to cure your painful sunburn. Our medical facilities located in Santa Ana, California have tested many rubs, ointments, utensils, and latex-oriented products to discover the best relief to a pesky burn. We have separated each "relief" into two columns: "Worth a Try" and "I Sure Wouldn't."


So first, let's look at the "I Sure Wouldn't" Column.

---I Sure Wouldn't---
1. Sea Urchin Acupuncture: although recently considered a "fad," I sure wouldn't...
2. Cheese: very deceptive
3. Generally any form of acid
4. Velcro
5. Banana Boat's Aloe with a Hint of Hot Sauce (Walmart-$8.69): upon testing, participant went into cardiac arrest. So...I sure wouldn't.

---Worth a Try---
1. Silk
2. The New Iphone 4: it can do anything!
3. Butter
4. Peanut Butter
5. Raw Bacon...if it cooks, that's a plus!
6. Godiva Milk Chocolate
7. Ice Cream, Hot Fudge, and Banana, hold the peanuts

You may have noticed a majority of the "Worth a Try" column being food items. So, if the remedy doesn't seem to be relieving any sunburn pain, look on the bright side. You are currently covered in a delicious decadence.

Good luck faithful readers! Hope your sunburn can be cured quickly and harmlessly. I gotta go. My bacon is looking good and crispy.

comments (0)

6/19/2010

Fashion Update!

|

Deep Thoughts is releasing a fashion alert! Attention Attention! FASHION ALERT! Thanks to my weekly subscription to Runway Magazine, I hear of all the new fashion alerts waaay before they hit the Gucci & Christian Dior storefronts. Remember the sequin barbed wire look? Remember pleated jeans? I prepped you in early March, and--Boom--the fad hit later that month. You can trust Deep Thoughts for all your fashion news and updates.

So all you fashion fanatics out there who have been checking the blog daily to see what the new fad might be...I am here to end the wait. Your fashion leader speaks. The moment you've been waiting for...the new fashion for the month of July. Camouflage! Shocking, isn't? For July, you'll be stylin if you flaunt a little green at the beach. Be proud of wearing long sleeves. Because you are fashionable. You are fresh. Funky fresh.

Some of Hollywood's hots were seen sporting the new camo pattern. Of course, they were completely hidden due to the fabulous fabric, so I can't identify who they were...just the curse of being in style.

I've got my camo cardigan on right now. Cost me 225.95. Not bad. Where's your camo?

Chic out.

comments (0)

6/11/2010

I'm now a Recycle Fanatic

|

In honor of NBC, I'm going green. I have completely lost my mind, and I value the earth above all else. So step aside all you greed-loving-tree-killing-capitalists, because here I come, ReCycLe is here. Notice I put some capital letters in my superhero name. This effect should cause intense emotion for mindless Americans to follow me on my journey to take down Democracy and save little animals and spruces.

Here are my plans for making the world greener:

1. All major motor companies should accept my design concept for the new methane-gas-powered car. Think about it. The Toyota Toot. There's one good thing Americans can make: methane. There are advantages to being overweight. Good work America.
2. Spray paint brown lawns. That'll make the world a little greener.
3. Since my name is ReCycLe, I like to recycle. Anyone who refuses to recycle will face capital punishment. Simple as that. Hey, you may think that's harsh, but sometimes green needs to see some red. Plus, I believe in reincarnation (or as I put it...recycling). You don't recycle? How about life as a pig? How are those hooves treating ya?!?! I got thumbs. ReCycLe strikes again!
4. Require all children to be hypnotized into thinking that "being green" is normal. We've got to reach the next generation. Offer lollipops if they refuse.
5. If none of the above tactics work, we must pull out plan G. Need I say what G stands for? Out of our green headquarters in the NBC Studio, we start emitting our propaganda. And just like a mirrored WWII Germany, we turn NBC into Hitler's lair. Take that Capitalists! Green shall rule the world. And we shall have blonde hair, blue eyes, and green lawns.

So pick up your pitchforks and grab the torches. I'm feeling a revolt coming on! A revolt for a greener tomorrow. ReCycle out!

comments (0)

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)