Deep Thoughts

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For a sociology experiment, I trekked over to Hollywood. That wasn’t the experiment silly, although it would have been enough. (Insert Cheap Audience Laughter)

I planted myself on the streets of Hollywood as one of the locals. No, not as Beyonce. Even though I have received that compliment many a time. I disguised myself as a dirty and poorly dressed homeless bum. From this perspective, I could study the true habitat of the Hollywood actor. How would they react as a normal human being and not a sitcom character? Although, I must admit, it would have been fun to see Yogi Bear’s reaction to see a sociology scientist dressed up as a bum. Oh my! (Insert More Audience Laughter)

So, there I sat, right on Hollywood row, where all the golden stars sit engraved in the pavement. I sat right next to Tom Cruise’s star. No reason. I was just dropped off closet to his. Funny thing though. You’ll never guess whose star was right next to his. No, not Oprah. No, not Celine Dion. Get ready. It was Binny Henn! Shocking, I know. Probably for his key role in Flicka: Return of the Black Stallion. Or he just paid off the local cement engravers. Either or. I’ll let you decide.

Sitting there, I soaked myself with store-bought sweat (thanks Sam’s Club). I think the scent was “Roofer Reek.” Half-price. Hopefully, the actor would trust the smell and identify me as a local bum. I could only hope. The sociology world depended on it!

Slowly, off in the distance, crept an actor. A fog had settled in the street, and I could barely make out the face. Is..is that Bob Saggett? You remember him, right? Father of the Olsen Twins in Full House and host of America’s Funniest Home Videos? Why was he hanging out here? He wasn’t even close to deserving a Hollywood star! His mullet was more famous!

He skipped onto my side of the sidewalk. I put on my best bum impression. He stopped and said, “Hey old fella, how about some money?” His voice rang rich with Full House quality. And with that, he dropped a couple of nickels into my cup and off he strode.

I sat Indian-style just dumb-founded. All Hollywood actors were cheerful givers willing to give everything they had. Just take Bob Saggett, a fellow bum, giving all his money right back to another bum. What an amazing world we live in…