Deep Thoughts

sit back, relax, laugh a little.

11/25/2010

Let’s Talk Turkey

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Why it’s Thanksgiving! Turkey time. In our culture, the turkey seems to represent important values like thanksgiving, happiness, and at times…cuteness. Rightly so. Americans have fallen in love with turkeys—maybe even as much as Adam Smith & Milton Friedman (capitalism allusion that 95% of my audience missed…oh well, let me grab your attention again…ummm, Justin Bieber! Good. Welcome back).

So why all the love for turkeys? To find that out, I had to do some deep digging. So with my trusty memo pad and #2 pencil, I headed to Washington in search for answers. Thanks to some of my old ‘Nam buddies, I received a lead on where to look—The Library of Congress. After months and months of extensive searching and studying, not to mention plenty of filled memo pads, I found the answer buried in the dirtiest book of the library basement (right next to other credible sources like “Pocahontas: our Founding Mother” and “Russia: An Ally for the Ages”). You wanna know the real history that the schoolbooks never told you about? Hold on. This discovery might flip your whole view of patriotism. No, I won’t be offended if you close your browser. What comes next is only for the strong-hearted.

The Pilgrims marketed well. Gasp! I know. And you thought marketing wasn’t discovered till the 1980s (history lesson—marketing was actually introduced in the 8th Century by Pope Gregory II when he popularized the Chia Pet).

Those Puritans faced a serious problem when they came to the New World. Turkey overpopulation. Don’t believe me? Look at the history reports. Thanks to the faithful Wampanoag tribe statisticians who logged annual turkey counts, we can analyze the evidence ourselves. Look at the graph added below from one of their history journals. Wow…
Ok. So, the Pilgrims showed up around 1619. Well, notice the big jump between 1600-1620. The Pilgrims had to do something, or else they would be overrun. So, top Pilgrim marketers sat down for a long-hard brainstorming session. Ideas flew left and right: 1) provoke a war between the Indians and turkeys. 2) Ally with the turkeys and hope for lifelong peace. 3) Abandon the New World and try out Costa Rica. 4) Create a holiday and…EAT THE TURKEYS. And thus Thanksgiving was born. A little cannibalistic but what else would work?

And so the Pilgrim marketers formulated the new turkey image. Their first slogan was a hit with the other settlers: “Cute, cuddly, and great with gravy.”

With the help of Sitting Bull and Tiny Turtle, a new marketing strategy was aimed toward the Indians. Simply stated, “Eat Turkey.” And many Indians gladly did.

Now, look at the results! By 1640, the turkey population had diminished by almost 30%. Looks like those Puritans were capitalists in the making. Good for you boys. Good for you.

And so thus set the tradition of Thanksgiving: dress up like a pilgrim and eat tons of turkey. As expected, when November rolls around, we always see pretty pictures of gobbling turkeys pleading to be bought and devoured. So we do. And as we say thanks around the table, one of the kids is bound to say, “I’m thankful for the turkey.” As he should…because he’s American.

So, for this Thanksgiving. I say thank you to those ingenious Puritan marketers who saved us from an ever-threatening turkey uprising. Without their strategy for creating Thanksgiving, we might very well be speaking gobble-gobble today.

Closing Suggestion: if you have any free time, go digging around in the basement of the Library of Congress. You’ll find some interesting stuff.

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10/26/2010

Wake up to the Music!

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You can also read this article on the New America website.


Let’s be honest. Americans struggle with mornings. When I even mention the word “morning,” people go into cardiac arrest, which I can understand, because we’re still digesting that monster bacon cheeseburger from last night’s partying. The glorious snooze button becomes a savior to us, providing that extra time for delightful digestion (gurgle, gurgle).

If a foreign country wanted to conquer America, here’s a suggestion: attack at dawn carrying McDonald’s. Seriously, I don’t know what we’d do—oh wait…yeah I do, we’d probably go into cardiac arrest. Ironic.

Now, I’m not going to write about obesity, laziness, politics, or the digestion process, although all of these topics are plaguing society today. Believe me, the blogs are just steaming about the digestive tract debate.

There is a solution for all you night owls. You can enjoy your mornings. It’s simple. Wake up to the music.

Let’s walkthrough a typical American morning…

-Wakeup

-Hit Snooze

-Wakeup

-Hit Snooze…repeat 3 more times

-Finally wakeup (angry that you’re alarm clock didn’t wake you up earlier)

-Shower & get ready

-Shuffle off to work/school

-Work (more shuffling)

-Eat lunch

Exciting huh?

Why are we wasting our mornings? They make up a third of our lives (heavy research has been done to discover this). Revamp your mornings. Add music.

SCIENCE LESSON!

Pick a song you love and associate it with mornings. Mental connections help the body to respond quicker (like using word pictures when studying). So when you hear that favorite song, your body releases endorphins, which make you feel good. Crazy, I know. Feeling good in the mornings? Who would have thought? Wake up to the music.

END SCIENCE LESSON! And all-caps as well.

Can I offer a song suggestion? Try “Today is the Day” by Lincoln Brewster. If this song doesn’t get you excited about the day ahead, I don’t know what will. Lincoln shares a powerful message along with an uplifting melody (needed in the mornings). He looks forward to the new day and rejoices in how God has made it.

Simple message, powerful song.

The song asks: how can we worry? How can we fear? Today is the day He has made! Will you rejoice and be glad in it?

In no way can I adequately describe the song. Find it. Listen to it.

Change your perspective on mornings. Look at the day as a gift from God. Look at the morning as a gift from God. I will praise you O Lord for whatever this day brings!

So wake up to the music. Let it focus your mind to what God has graciously given you…another day to praise Him.

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8/23/2010

Deals Deals Deals!

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Wrote this for The New America blog. I think you'll like it...

Like any normal American, I love the feeling of finding a good deal. You know what I mean. If a sweater is normally priced at $34.95, we utter a little giggle, shake our heads at the outrageous price, and keep shopping. But in glorious contrast, once we see that magical sale sign; the situation changes completely. Suddenly, this piece of overpriced stitching instantaneously transforms into a crown jewel.

The thoughts flood in. “Where have you been my whole life? Wow, this used to be $94.95, and it’s marked off to only $34.95! That’s like 60% off! Yep, this is why I shop. This is why I’m American. I find all the deals.”

Now, in no way am I condemning this common shopping occurrence. People feed off the pleasure of making a deal. I’m no different! Please continue your spending. It helps our GDP (confused and lost? Type it in on Google – learn a little).

I’m here to offer you more deals. Forget the hassle of leaving home; these deals flow to your hands through the power of the Internet. I’ll share the top 5 Internet deal sites I know. If you have some of your own, please comment below. We all need better ways to spend our money. Right? Plus, in the long run, you’re helping the economy. And you don’t want to be a socialist, do you? Be American. Buy things.

SlickDeals.net
Provides hourly deals to all sorts of websites and stores whether it be for pet supplies, electronics, or foot cream. You can follow them on Twitter to gain instant deal access wherever you go. User name is very complicated so be careful. It’s @slickdeals.

DansDeals.com
A blog where the mysterious “Dan” uploads all the deals he finds. Great site to find airplane deals. The website is like a mini-SlickDeals.net. Provides about a deal a day. Good site. Check it out. Also, they can be found on Twitter: @dansdeals.

Woot.com
I love this site. You can hate me; I don’t care. The site sells a daily deal each day. They also have other sister sites: wine.woot.com, shirt.woot.com, and kids.woot.com…each offering their own deals. Sometimes, the site issues a WootOff. When a deal sells out, the day is not over! A new deal pops up ready for you to look at. Twitter: @woot.

DailySteals.com
Not as nice as the other websites, but it still offers good deals. Free stuff occasionally shows up.

DealDump.com
In case I missed a site that you adore, this site includes all the deal sites. Don’t worry; it’s not a dump. It’s actually quite nice and helpful. You would think they would name the site something like DealDeli or DealDirectory, but they didn’t. They chose dump. D-u-m-p. Say it slowly. DUUUMMP. What a word…

Happy Shopping! And keep raising our GDP!

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8/03/2010

Paula Dean's Biography - Secrets Revealed

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For the past week, I've sat down with the famous Food Network Channel star Paula Dean and listened to her disclose the innermost secrets of her life (a little butter can go a long way). Throughout the interview, I gained incredible insights about how Paula has become the woman of today. We cried, we laughed, we ate. Well, she ate. She ate everything. I didn't know our bodies could digest table chairs...

Anyway, I organized all the information into a moderate 562 page biography. I'm still working on the title, and I've narrowed it down to two choices...

Butter me up Scotty
or
Butter, the Other White Meat

I know. It's a toss-up. Both titles speak so much of Paula's life...

Now, I'm going to give you a sneak peek into this breakthrough biography. You get it first, right here on Deep Thoughts. This is fresh, never read before stuff. So don your reading glasses and enjoy. It's a nail-biter.

This section is taken from "Chapter 2: Addictions and Applesauce."

"In the early years of Paula's life, trials faced her at every turn. She grew up in a home of 15 brothers and sisters. The parents forgot they even had her. Plus it didn't help when she had a brother named Paul and a sister named Paulina. Paula was simply forgotten.

This lack of parental relationship fueled a desire for addiction. And the only drug Paula could turn to...was butter. Now, over the years, Paula hid the addiction well. Claiming that food just tasted better with more butter, but friends and family were suspicious. Wasn't 5 cups of butter for a morning omelet a little excessive? And why was there butter on top of the cupcakes instead of icing? What? Butter tea?

Butter was the answer! Or so thought Paula. On June 15, 1979, Paula's life was flipped upside down. She was in for a rude awakening."

The book hits Amazon.com later this year. Be on the look out! Just a little snippet of what you'll expect from the biography. Hope you enjoyed it. There's so much to Paula Dean than you ever thought possible!

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7/25/2010

Let's Dissect a Brat

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I saw someone eating a Bratwurst the other day. It was intriguing. How can a law-abiding citizen degrade himself that low to partake of such a monstrosity? I can still see those grotesque images. The guy bit down hard. The sausage skin broke with sort of suction sound. Potent juices streamed down his face. He continued to slowly chomp his life away.

Ahh, the Bratwurst. A German delicacy. But yet, no one knows the contents beneath the slippery skin. The recipe is highly confidential. It’s as confidential as the Krabby Patty recipe. Yeah…that secretive. But, alas, I am here, your Bratwurst Braveheart, to proclaim the highly sought after frankfurter recipe.

You better thank me. I had to sneak this coveted research funding into Obama’s Stimulus Bill. Luckily, I got approved for a 2.7 billion dollar grant for my Bratwurst study. There’s no way you can argue that it's a “pork” bill. Bahahahaaaa…that made me laugh.

Anywho, let’s get to the research findings.

The 16 ingredients identified in a common Bratwurst:

1. Meat (still not sure what kind though)

2. Cotton

3. Starbucks Via

4. Skittles

5. Creamed Corn

6. A Baby Shark

7. Rubber

8. Iphone 4

9. Captain Crunch

10. Vuvuleas (they’re everywhere!)

11. Part of Tyson’s ear (in every sausage, crazy, I know!)

12. Tiger Gatorade (no one else would buy it, except the Brat companies)

13. A Whole Quarter

14. Meerkat

15. The Common Cold Virus

16. Licorice Jelly Beans (again, no one eats them)


So now, the next time you bite into a delectable Bratwurst, appreciate the time and effort that took in collecting all those ingredients and stuffing them into such a small tube of space. Cheerio Chaps!

Oops, I didn’t mean that “Cheerio Chaps” to sound like a British goodbye. Those are actually two more ingredients I forgot to tell you about! So, that brings our total to 18 ingredients. 18 wonderful ingredients for you to enjoy all in one bite. What other food can claim that? Happy eating!

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7/21/2010

New Post at "This is The New America"

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Check on the blog "The New America."


I just wrote an article for it called..."Admit it, You Love the Twilight Movies..." While you're there, read some other stuff, get hooked, and follow them on Twitter. It's cool to see how far the blog has come. They keep adding stuff everyday!

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7/10/2010

Say Goodbye to Sunburn

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In light of the rising temperatures this summer, Deep Thoughts would like to offer a few home remedies to cure your painful sunburn. Our medical facilities located in Santa Ana, California have tested many rubs, ointments, utensils, and latex-oriented products to discover the best relief to a pesky burn. We have separated each "relief" into two columns: "Worth a Try" and "I Sure Wouldn't."


So first, let's look at the "I Sure Wouldn't" Column.

---I Sure Wouldn't---
1. Sea Urchin Acupuncture: although recently considered a "fad," I sure wouldn't...
2. Cheese: very deceptive
3. Generally any form of acid
4. Velcro
5. Banana Boat's Aloe with a Hint of Hot Sauce (Walmart-$8.69): upon testing, participant went into cardiac arrest. So...I sure wouldn't.

---Worth a Try---
1. Silk
2. The New Iphone 4: it can do anything!
3. Butter
4. Peanut Butter
5. Raw Bacon...if it cooks, that's a plus!
6. Godiva Milk Chocolate
7. Ice Cream, Hot Fudge, and Banana, hold the peanuts

You may have noticed a majority of the "Worth a Try" column being food items. So, if the remedy doesn't seem to be relieving any sunburn pain, look on the bright side. You are currently covered in a delicious decadence.

Good luck faithful readers! Hope your sunburn can be cured quickly and harmlessly. I gotta go. My bacon is looking good and crispy.

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