Deep Thoughts

sit back, relax, laugh a little.

7/25/2010

Let's Dissect a Brat

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I saw someone eating a Bratwurst the other day. It was intriguing. How can a law-abiding citizen degrade himself that low to partake of such a monstrosity? I can still see those grotesque images. The guy bit down hard. The sausage skin broke with sort of suction sound. Potent juices streamed down his face. He continued to slowly chomp his life away.

Ahh, the Bratwurst. A German delicacy. But yet, no one knows the contents beneath the slippery skin. The recipe is highly confidential. It’s as confidential as the Krabby Patty recipe. Yeah…that secretive. But, alas, I am here, your Bratwurst Braveheart, to proclaim the highly sought after frankfurter recipe.

You better thank me. I had to sneak this coveted research funding into Obama’s Stimulus Bill. Luckily, I got approved for a 2.7 billion dollar grant for my Bratwurst study. There’s no way you can argue that it's a “pork” bill. Bahahahaaaa…that made me laugh.

Anywho, let’s get to the research findings.

The 16 ingredients identified in a common Bratwurst:

1. Meat (still not sure what kind though)

2. Cotton

3. Starbucks Via

4. Skittles

5. Creamed Corn

6. A Baby Shark

7. Rubber

8. Iphone 4

9. Captain Crunch

10. Vuvuleas (they’re everywhere!)

11. Part of Tyson’s ear (in every sausage, crazy, I know!)

12. Tiger Gatorade (no one else would buy it, except the Brat companies)

13. A Whole Quarter

14. Meerkat

15. The Common Cold Virus

16. Licorice Jelly Beans (again, no one eats them)


So now, the next time you bite into a delectable Bratwurst, appreciate the time and effort that took in collecting all those ingredients and stuffing them into such a small tube of space. Cheerio Chaps!

Oops, I didn’t mean that “Cheerio Chaps” to sound like a British goodbye. Those are actually two more ingredients I forgot to tell you about! So, that brings our total to 18 ingredients. 18 wonderful ingredients for you to enjoy all in one bite. What other food can claim that? Happy eating!

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7/21/2010

New Post at "This is The New America"

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Check on the blog "The New America."


I just wrote an article for it called..."Admit it, You Love the Twilight Movies..." While you're there, read some other stuff, get hooked, and follow them on Twitter. It's cool to see how far the blog has come. They keep adding stuff everyday!

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7/10/2010

Say Goodbye to Sunburn

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In light of the rising temperatures this summer, Deep Thoughts would like to offer a few home remedies to cure your painful sunburn. Our medical facilities located in Santa Ana, California have tested many rubs, ointments, utensils, and latex-oriented products to discover the best relief to a pesky burn. We have separated each "relief" into two columns: "Worth a Try" and "I Sure Wouldn't."


So first, let's look at the "I Sure Wouldn't" Column.

---I Sure Wouldn't---
1. Sea Urchin Acupuncture: although recently considered a "fad," I sure wouldn't...
2. Cheese: very deceptive
3. Generally any form of acid
4. Velcro
5. Banana Boat's Aloe with a Hint of Hot Sauce (Walmart-$8.69): upon testing, participant went into cardiac arrest. So...I sure wouldn't.

---Worth a Try---
1. Silk
2. The New Iphone 4: it can do anything!
3. Butter
4. Peanut Butter
5. Raw Bacon...if it cooks, that's a plus!
6. Godiva Milk Chocolate
7. Ice Cream, Hot Fudge, and Banana, hold the peanuts

You may have noticed a majority of the "Worth a Try" column being food items. So, if the remedy doesn't seem to be relieving any sunburn pain, look on the bright side. You are currently covered in a delicious decadence.

Good luck faithful readers! Hope your sunburn can be cured quickly and harmlessly. I gotta go. My bacon is looking good and crispy.

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6/19/2010

Fashion Update!

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Deep Thoughts is releasing a fashion alert! Attention Attention! FASHION ALERT! Thanks to my weekly subscription to Runway Magazine, I hear of all the new fashion alerts waaay before they hit the Gucci & Christian Dior storefronts. Remember the sequin barbed wire look? Remember pleated jeans? I prepped you in early March, and--Boom--the fad hit later that month. You can trust Deep Thoughts for all your fashion news and updates.

So all you fashion fanatics out there who have been checking the blog daily to see what the new fad might be...I am here to end the wait. Your fashion leader speaks. The moment you've been waiting for...the new fashion for the month of July. Camouflage! Shocking, isn't? For July, you'll be stylin if you flaunt a little green at the beach. Be proud of wearing long sleeves. Because you are fashionable. You are fresh. Funky fresh.

Some of Hollywood's hots were seen sporting the new camo pattern. Of course, they were completely hidden due to the fabulous fabric, so I can't identify who they were...just the curse of being in style.

I've got my camo cardigan on right now. Cost me 225.95. Not bad. Where's your camo?

Chic out.

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6/11/2010

I'm now a Recycle Fanatic

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In honor of NBC, I'm going green. I have completely lost my mind, and I value the earth above all else. So step aside all you greed-loving-tree-killing-capitalists, because here I come, ReCycLe is here. Notice I put some capital letters in my superhero name. This effect should cause intense emotion for mindless Americans to follow me on my journey to take down Democracy and save little animals and spruces.

Here are my plans for making the world greener:

1. All major motor companies should accept my design concept for the new methane-gas-powered car. Think about it. The Toyota Toot. There's one good thing Americans can make: methane. There are advantages to being overweight. Good work America.
2. Spray paint brown lawns. That'll make the world a little greener.
3. Since my name is ReCycLe, I like to recycle. Anyone who refuses to recycle will face capital punishment. Simple as that. Hey, you may think that's harsh, but sometimes green needs to see some red. Plus, I believe in reincarnation (or as I put it...recycling). You don't recycle? How about life as a pig? How are those hooves treating ya?!?! I got thumbs. ReCycLe strikes again!
4. Require all children to be hypnotized into thinking that "being green" is normal. We've got to reach the next generation. Offer lollipops if they refuse.
5. If none of the above tactics work, we must pull out plan G. Need I say what G stands for? Out of our green headquarters in the NBC Studio, we start emitting our propaganda. And just like a mirrored WWII Germany, we turn NBC into Hitler's lair. Take that Capitalists! Green shall rule the world. And we shall have blonde hair, blue eyes, and green lawns.

So pick up your pitchforks and grab the torches. I'm feeling a revolt coming on! A revolt for a greener tomorrow. ReCycle out!

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6/02/2010

My Solution to BP's Problem

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Now hear me out. I wanna talk about BP's oil problem. Don't you dare press that X on your internet browser. I've tried to help! I have relentlessly called to BP's solution hotline. I have written letters; I have sent my own personal homing pigeons. But to no avail. In return, I have been shunned, mocked, and most recently my house egged. Thanks all to BP. Maybe you should start focusing on that spill rather than ruining my life! OH SLAM! (Audience claps softly, a chuckle emerges)

So, let me gather my faithful revolutionaries as we take down BP. I'm talking about you. WE NEED YOU! With your help, we can drive BP's stock price even lower! YAY! Are you with me? Let's make BP the new Enron. Or should I say the new Lyntech. Never heard of them? My point exactly. Utter extinction.

So here's my plan. First, we sabotage their solution hotline. Create a Facebook fan group "BP Hates Nature" and have members call in with hate messages. Maybe send in really bad ideas like Top Kill or something. Or, I know! Throw golf balls down the tube to plug it! You know, dumb ideas like that.

I kid you not...http://www.slate.com/id/2254211

Next, let's egg BP's house. Sweet revenge, I know. I have some leftover eggs from BP's last attack. So, let's blast that mansion. Aim for windows. Aim for executives' kids.

Yes, BP has a house. Just trust me on this one.

Last, we gotta seal the deal. Leave BP with nothing. After BP continues to fail at solving the oil spill, we gather a large pool of money. At least a billion. Maybe more. With that Facebook group, it'll be easy! We wait a year. Then, BP's stock price will be within penny range! Then like fast-moving cats that resemble graceful cheetahs, we buy. And buy. And buy. 51% of shares to be exact. We will then control all of BP operations. It's foolproof, almost predestined (whoops, there goes my Arminian audience).

Of course by now, the oil spill still won't be solved. So, we enact the plan BP had been looking for so long. Our secret plan! The one just delivered by armored vehicles. Here it is!! Simply...flip...the..."off switch."

My goodness! I mean. It's right there next to the "call for executive jet switch!" I can see how you'd get distracted. BP meet GM. DOUBLE SLAM! (Audience emits an utter chatter, an old man leaves for the bathroom)

Now...the last step and final blow: change the name to AP. American Petroleum. Booyah! Ethnocentrism to the max!

Good work everybody! So, who's gonna start that Facebook group. Can I be an officer?

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5/23/2010

How You Define Yourself...Font-wise

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Did you know that the typeface you choose defines your personality? I have just finished an 8 month quantitative study of typefaces and the parallelism with certain personalities. I am sooooo glad it didn't take 9 months. I promised to never take on a 9 month research project. Too risky.

Anywho, find your favorite most-used font and with the power of **magic** you can learn your personality type (the ** are used to indicate magic dust...think sparklers). Ok, it's not technically magic, the personality types are based on my well-documented research. Because...there's no such thing as magic, silly. Well, there might be. But that's a 9 month research project, and I'm not getting anywhere close to that. Gotta stick to my values.

So, look for your favorite font below and see how it perfectly matches your personality. As a side note, there are no exceptions. If you use a certain font, the corresponding personality defines you exactly.

Times New Roman (TMR): Ahh yes, this standard font makes up 65% of Americans. You have no idea about technology or design. You like to wear bland colors...which actually do bring attention to yourself but you don't think they do. You've been called "the guy at the party nobody knew and how'd he get invited." Steve Jobs is your mortal enemy. If you has to choose between a vacation or holiday, you would get mad and argue that they are the same thing. You are Caucasian. You get caught up in fads...you still own a pet rock, Furby, and/or Pokemon cards.

Typewriter: You have a love for the classics. Although you out of sync with the current culture, you view yourself as an unmoving traditionalist. Shockingly, you actually use a typewriter. As soon as you heard the typewriter font came on the computer, you converted immediately. You don't email. You print off paper and send it through the mail. Remember, you are a traditionalist. Stand strong.

Comic Sans: I know you aren't supposed to be bias in reporting data, but I must interject here. I hate the use of Comic Sans. If you choose to use this font, you parallel a 6-year-old child randomly scrolling through fonts. There is absolutely no reason why anyone should choose this typeface. Whew. Sorry about that. Let's get back to the research...Comic Sans reveals deep depression. You seek (or should seek) mental help daily. Comic Sans users live life lonely.

Papyrus: You have no creativity whatsoever. You love mooching off of other people. You love Egyptians and cats. Moses was your favorite Bible Character. You have pictures of local businesses and fundraisers in your room that used the Papyrus font AGAIN. Comic Sans matches well for you.

Baskerville: You are as fine as fine wine. Aged but sophisticated. The Rat Pack are your homeboys. You don't mind going out in public "dressed up." You play cricket, cribbage, and checkers. You occasionally pull out the cane to mix things up a little bit.

Arial: You are a "Times New Roman" in disguise. Although you want to look hip with the sans serif, you can't. You are still a common middle-class American. 25% of population falls here. Think parents talking hip with their kids (wow, I just used the word hip).

Wingdings: You are currently on drugs. Please get help.

These findings are only a small clipping of the research that I've done. If you would like to receive the other 127 font-personality parallelisms. Please shoot me an email. I'd be glad to help you discover more of who you are.

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